Saturday, March 31, 2012

Rant.


I need to rant. My chest area feels like its about to explode. And since I'm pretty sure practically no one reads my blog (and those who do have probably already heard me rant so its not a big deal), its a SAFE ZONE. Don't like it, don't read it. Prepare for lift-off.

Holy cow, what do you do when you miss someone so badly and you can't do anything (ANYTHING!) about it? Why is it that I am prone to miss EVERYTHING. people. places. food. friends from the past. historical times that I've only ever read about, but resonate in my heart, and I want to go live them soooo badly. Huh? Why? WHY? I want an answer!

But back to the original question. Really. What do you do when you miss someone so much but you can't do anything about it because it has to come from THEM and not you. And you're not even sure if it does have to come from them. What if deep down (really really really really really really really really) deeply dark down in the depths of their soul they miss hanging out with you too but they just don't know it because they're being stubborn. but perhaps if YOU reached out they'd reciprocate. Or they'd just punch you in the face. One or the other.

But either one would be just fine!!! I don't mind getting punched in the face!!! At least....I don't think I do....I've never ACTUALLY been punched in the face before to reference my feelings about it, but I feel like it'd be an okay experience. Shocking, yes. Bruise, maybe. But it'd heal (unless he's the incredible hulk). And it would be CONTACT rather than this awkward avoidance. HELLO EVERYBODY! THIS IS A SMALL CITY! WE HAVE ALL THE SAME FRIENDS! WE SHOP AT THE SAME STORES! HOW ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO AVOID YOU.

Actually, I've done very well to avoid. It's actually quite easy. A little too easy. Which tempts me to go out of my way to make something happen. Because while all this avoiding is happening my brain is having a trillion instances of contact by wondering if, when, where, right now? the contact will happen. It's gotta happen eventually, right? RIGHT?  And so all the time no physical contact is happening my mind is running into a cement wall every millisecond. Which does some pretty severe damage after a while. Especially if you're a girl who's read too many romantic novels where people DO just happen to pop out of the blue and random things happen which creates a great plot. So while my mind has been taught to expect these things in these kinds of situations, nothing happens. Nothing. BLAGH!!!!!

Rant over. Kind of. My rib cage feels a little relieved of pressure. I think.

But really, what do you do? What would you do? What should I do? Chances are, you don't know, because you don't know the whole story. Not even I know the whole story. I only know my freakin half of the whole story. There's pretty much one person who might know and they've already told me. I didn't like their answer.

Crap it.

So what do I do? You might not believe it after this hugely emotionally immature rant that I would be capable of such a mature thing, but I pray. Really. Really. Really hard. Because even though I don't know the whole story, and no-one I can talk to knows the whole story, there's wonderful Father in Heaven who DOES know EVERYTHING. Hence Alpha and Omega. Hence--O M N I P O T E N C E. It's actually pretty darn cool. So every night I pray for someone I miss. I pray that that person is happy and that everything will work alright for them. But my prayer isn't entirely selfless. I also pray, plead, really, that I will be okay too. And I pray that if any contact SHOULD happen, that it WILL. Either from me, or someone else, that it will happen. And then I start to feel pretty darn hopeful. Maybe not completely content, not a cent less confused, not a tadpole less missing someone, but hopeful for the future. Because it WILL be alright. It will. I've got a warm location in my heart confirming it to me right now.

And now, my chest feels relatively normal. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to work on homework now. Glory be! Pretty much prayer is the most awesome thing in the entire universe. Pretty much.

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