I am happy to say that I am much more myself right now.
First of all, there is a thunderstorm outside right now. There is something so comforting about thousands of water bullets pelleting a window, knowing that just feet away you could be drenched to the bone. And yet you are dry, away, enjoying the danger and turbulence through a thin sheet of glass. Part of me wants to go dance out in the rain, but I don't think my family would appreciate that.
Today in dinner I even ate the fin of a fish. The family insisted on having me eat some, and proceeded to cut off the fin for me. Better the fin than the head, I suppose, since all the bones and eyes were still in the fish, ready to be devoured. Not gonna lie, it was yummy. I just don't have the appetite for fish yet.
During dinner Grandpa smiled at me as he said "You want to be a Chinese teacher! You can't be a Chinese teacher! You can't even speak Chinese! You can't become a Chinese teacher! You can't become a teacher!" To which I courageously looked down at my rice and ate a few pellets. I made them stop giving me food by telling them over and over that I was full, even though I was starving. And I waited to leave the table until they told me I could. And then I went to my room, shut the door, and took out my box of Cheese Nips from home. Thank you mommy!
So, I have a confession. I honestly don't think I can be a Chinese teacher. Now, let's be honest, I think I'd be a stinkin great Chinese teacher. My tones are great. My pronounciation is on par. My basic grammar is just dandy. My beginning or even intermediate Chinese is bangin. And by golly I could pass these all along to my students and get them ready for college or missions or whatever! But in order to become certified by the State of Utah to teach Chinese, I need to pass a huge test with an Advanced Medium level. Which is high. And, considering the fact that I can't speak Chinese, I honestly don't think I can do it. Which sucks, because that's the only reason why I decided History Teaching as a major. Without the Chinese, I'm stuck with a major I don't like very much and won't ever be able to get a job with.
Now this may all sound depressing, but be reassured, it isn't. Not really. Because I will give it my best. And if I don't pass my Chinese exam with an Advanced Medium, I still graduate with my major. And I will try teaching History and hopefully get a job. Yay for High Schools! And if I don't like teaching, I will only do it long enough to put myself through business school, or study yoga long enough to become a yoga master, or find some way to find some other job I am crazy about. That or I'll use my womanly wiles to marry a rich man. :) Ha ha, just kidding. But really.
My point is, there are always options open. Choosing one major doesn't close the doors to other options. And discovering that you aren't quite skilled enough (and probably never will be) at one thing doesn't mean you don't have a niche somewhere to find. After a storm, there's always a pretty rainbow :)
(did you get the tie back into the first paragraph? clever girl.)